Addiction Touches Families
There is no love like a mother’s love for her child. So, when addiction comes between them it is an ugly intruder.
Typically, the first casualty of addiction is family relationships. Someone in active addiction is self-focused and concerned only on getting their next fix. This leads them to act in ways you wouldn’t expect, say things they don’t mean, and destroy relationships they actually need.
At Teen Challenge Canada, we support those on the road to recovery, but we also recognize that families need help too.
Setting Boundaries
This can be difficult for many parents, but setting boundaries and sticking with them will help you and your child.
Boundaries protect you and your family – physically and emotionally. They also will help to ensure you communicate with compassion and empathy.
Don’t allow your loved one to abuse you or members of your family
- Physically
- Emotionally
- Verbally
People in active addiction will say and do things you would not expect. You must remove yourself from the situation when things escalate and if necessary, call 911. This is especially hard for parents but allowing your child to mistreat you is also harmful to your child. It communicates that this behaviour is ok – and it’s far from that.
The most difficult decision for a parent to make is if their child should leave their home. If they are crossing boundaries and putting other family members at risk, they need to move out.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. What if he left and overdosed? What if he had nowhere to go? No food to eat? The guilt I felt was unbelievable. I felt like the worst mother in the world.
– Erin, Teen Challenge Mom
Asking your child to leave doesn’t mean they’re out of your life. It just means you’re enforcing those important boundaries that protect you and your other family members.
Taking care of yourself
As a parent, putting yourself first does not come naturally. You’ve spent your life sacrificing for the good of your children but as they say on airplanes – you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
You cannot pour from an empty cup.
To help your child, you need to care for yourself. Watching them walk this difficult road is taking a toll on you too.
- Physically – lack of sleep, not exercising, skipped meals
- Emotionally – worry, anxiety, feeling embarrassed
- Spiritually – feeling ashamed, angry at God, isolating
Check out local support or church groups for loved ones. It will help to connect with people experiencing a similar pain and they will have resources to help you.
The first night there, I couldn’t even speak I was so emotional. But the second night, I decided I was going to speak. It was one of the most difficult things to do, but it was very therapeutic, as I was now in a room with other people with similar stories, so I knew I wasn’t alone.
– Erin, Teen Challenge Mom
Motivate Change
No one can force someone to get help; it must be a decision they come to on their own. However, you can help motivate your child to want to change.
Effective Communication
- Remain calm and use a compassionate tone to help guide the conversation.
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements to disarm any accusations.
- Don’t engage when your loved one is high or drunk.
- Listen empathetically. Empathy does not equal approval but does show you care.
Natural Consequences
In the early stages of addiction, it is common for parents to “cover” for their child. They try to soften the blow when there’s a problem. As time passes, it becomes exhausting for the parent to minimize consequences, and this actually enables your child to continue the behaviour.
Natural consequences can be small like being late for school or work. Or they might be big like losing a job, becoming ill, or finding themselves in jail.
As difficult as it is for a parent to watch this happen, these natural consequences can motivate change.
I found myself broken and homeless with a crack-cocaine addiction. All the freedom, power and confidence that my first drink gave me was long gone by now. I truly wanted help.
– Luke, Teen Challenge Canada graduate
If you’re a parent watching your child wrestling with addiction, there is hope. Never give up and seek out the support you need.
When your child is ready for help, you will be ready to walk with them along the road to recovery.
